To Tell or Not To Tell

close up photography of woman in white shirt
Photo by Dellon Thomas on


The beginning of a new relationship  can be a time of discovery,  a time when you get to learn the good, the bad, and sometimes the  ugly about the new person in your life.

But when it comes to  the number of people you have had sex with, – how much do we really want to know?  And does sharing (or not sharing) make a difference for a happy future?  How ever much you chose to share with your new partner is completely your decision.   Remember what  you’re comfortable sharing  is influenced by many things, including: your culture or religious beliefs; the degree of security in your relationship and your own feelings about your sexual history.  I’ve complied a list of the benefits and potential negatives you may want to consider before you discuss your sexual history.


Positives of telling your partner

You don’t have to waste energy keeping it secret.

When you are regularly sharing intimate aspects of your life, it might feel like withholding this one piece of personal information is using up a lot of mental energy.

Your past experiences are part of who you are today.

Your past romantic and sexual experiences play a part in shaping who you are as a person, and how you behave in relationships, so it might provide important context or understanding for your partner.


Honesty is the usually the  best policy in relationships.

It’s a  cliché, but honesty is  often the best policy. And although withholding doesn’t necessarily mean you are being dishonest with your partner, you might find it means you have to tell a few lies in different situations.


 Negatives of telling your partner

It might change how you perceive each other.

While the number of people your partner has had sex with shouldn’t make a difference to your current relationship, sometimes you might feel that if they’ve had many partners you might have negative feelings about this and wonder if your partner is too experienced for you.    Remember if  you ask your partner how many people they’ve slept with and they tell you,  you have to try not to judge them.

Remember if  they’d rather not tell you, try not to  push them into it and respect their privacy if they say they’d rather not.

Remember if  your partner judges you for the number of people you’ve had sex with , this says a lot more about them and their own insecurities and prejudices than it does about you.

It could be a sign that your partner is too controlling.

When you are making the decision about whether to open up, remember that you don’t owe your partner this information and you have a right to keep it private.

If your partner casually asks  about this, then there is no need to be concerned, but if they pressure you into telling them, there may be an hidden agenda.

If the question  feels intrusive or makes you uncomfortable, you’ll know instinctively. If they push you into answering,  this can be the sign of a controlling relationship.

Remember a sign of a healthy relationship is feeling like you can tell your partner if you want to, but not feeling like you have to.

Giving a number means nothing.

At the end of the day, a number is a number, so make sure you don’t torture yourself too much with this marker of ‘sexual experience’, because we all know that how many partners  you have been with doesn’t determine how good you are sexually.


To tell the number of past partners is completely up to you.  Don’t feel pressured to tell and remember being experienced sexually or not sexually experienced has no bearing on you as a person.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: